The question of questions… the anxiety of the last 2 years of university and NOT only.
I am writing now that I have just rejected the role of Junior AI Engineer at Yellow-Tech. Was it a correct choice or not? The right answer is: “But who knows?”
The only thing I know is that I can’t understand what I want to do because there are 2 very distinct parts of my mind:
- Get my hands dirty (Gain work experience)
- Invest “NO MATTER WHAT” still on growing (because I feel extremely ignorant, and in reality I am)
Gaining Work Experience
Perhaps the one I have always desired to:
- Acquire work experience
- Start my path towards financial independence
- Get out of the den (home with parents) and start living alone
But the biggest thought is: “Ok, yes I work and earn… but do I actually grow as a person?” And so it is a fear that could, for a hasty decision, compromise my future.
Well yes, the collection of currently rejected job offers is:
- Assicurazioni Generali (Torre Citylife in Milan)
- Yellow-Tech (Junior AI Engineer)
- Odoo (Software Engineer)
- Quantyca (Junior Software/Data Engineer)
I would like to do a lot of things, get my hands dirty… but I don’t know if it is actually worth it in the LONG TERM vision. But my desire and craving is very high and difficult to satisfy. (also because I hate, but I hate sitting still wasting time)
Continuing With Study
For me it is a bit more difficult… because I can’t understand what my path is. So even if there is the will to increase my training unfortunately it is not so simple to understand where I must direct my FOCUS.
Certainly it is the simplest choice because this implies:
- Being supported by my parents
- Staying in the Comfort Zone
- Not worrying about “anything”
As we all know in the comfort zone there is no personal growth. And this goes VERY much against my will and desire.
I am profoundly ignorant… and I realize it. Precisely for this reason I am more inclined to continue towards this crossroad because I must absolutely become special (TOO GOOD TO BE IGNORED) in something otherwise I will never be able to excel in anything. (Thing that I want to do).
On the other side I ask myself if this is IMPOSTER SYNDROME because I received offers that seem however very tempting, like that of Yellow-Tech which offered me 2600€/month gross as an external collaborator (which in the flat-rate scheme would be 2.200€/month net) so not bad at all. I ask myself then why was I selected (after various calls and meetings) for this job? Am I a deserving person? Am I actually special, in the way of being and for the desire to learn? Or is it a coincidence… or perhaps mere luck?
I don’t know… what however I think I am sure of is that I like MACHINE LEARNING and AI very much. Certainly, special training is needed also because this environment is super competitive and the best thing for the future should be succeeding in entering a university of excellence to:
- receive special training
- contact with professors of excellence
- Competitive environment to stimulate oneself and grow together
- Add to the CV (which unfortunately, the name of some university can open many doors)
A skill that however I want to improve, once and for all, is that of the ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Yes, I already know it a bit (I have a B2) but I want to NOT have anymore problems speaking it (even if speaking we are already on a C1) but above all reading and grammar seeing that the courses and the language of the world and of computer science is English.
Moreover I want to be able to grasp any opportunity that presents itself in the future, open to the whole world and NOT only to the Italian borders.
I think though that my courage to say: “STOP!” was a salvation… but it will be the future/time to give me the answer. I said STOP because I didn’t know anymore where I was going and so I took a bit of time to understand what I wanted… and I haven’t regretted it (for now).
It will be necessary to understand if actually it was worth it, however what can be done now (choice made) is to optimize the available time and exploit this position of mine of a person who has a future to build starting from a solid base and economic possibilities (family) for educational experiences.
PS:
The fear, anxiety and continuous stress (truly exaggerated at times) have never been missing and I think they will not be missing but we must continue to push, every day… even if it is difficult and I haven’t always succeeded (unfortunately, but I am not afraid to say my failures)